I’m on a seafood diet — I see food and I eat it.

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

My bed and I love each other, only the alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Common sense is like deodorant — the people who need it most never use it.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

If stress burned calories, I’d be invisible by now.

Why fall in love when you can fall into a pizza?

I followed my heart... it led me to the fridge.

If life gives you lemons, add vodka and throw a party.

Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.